How context shapes our perceptions
You stumble upon a blog and you’re starting to skim through an article. It seems okay but something about it catches you off guard. The tone feels off. The ideas seem to make some sense but you’re wondering why it’s reading so incorrectly to you. You start browsing the authors about page and you see some words that make you feel THINGS! Not good things either!
The author was born to rich parents and went to that university that everyone knows is only for the snoody elites. Not only that but now they’ve become a VP of that business function that you typically think is unnecessary. Wait you keep reading and oh wow… they just called themself a guru of something. This guy wouldn’t know a guru if they smacked the back of the Porsche that they, presumably, drive.
You know what? After reading that bio you realize just how bad that article was. It was clearly so wrong and none of the points are coming from the right place. You now assume it was written by AI anyways and this blog is just for this guy to make more money. The publish date says 2017 which is before AI but he probably faked that because that’s what these people do anyways. All their accolades are basically fake.
Okay at this point it’s okay if you’re thinking “Ryan who is this really about?” and apologies if that experience doesn’t resonate with you I might’ve gone a bit off the deep end. In all honesty that wasn’t a singular experience but I’ve definitely had bits and pieces of those thoughts come up before.
The impact of personal narrative
The point of all that is to call out just how much the context and narrative of the things we consume affect us. Not only for what we consume but also what we produce. In fact I plan on updating my about page so people know I’m just a chill normal guy after that earlier rant.
The topic is difficult to fully capture in an article but I will touch on some examples. The second part of the article will be about how we can use this to our advantage.
Case study: Fitness and storytelling
The power of marketing narrative
You are doomscrolling your favorite short form video app when suddenly you come across someone with an amazing physique. You’ve always wanted a physique like that but for some reason your workouts never really got you there. You’ve been consistent but never really saw the results. But wow look at this person. What’s the name of their routine? Oh it’s “The Goku Style Gunnery Firebomb Routine for Peak Physicality”.
Between the creator’s awesome physique, Goku being your favorite Dragon Ball Z character, and all the other words in the plan title this thing sounds really cool! You decide to buy it since the e-book was only $9.99. After you get it you realize it’s only 100 pages. You skim it and realize its really only 30 pages of content and the rest is pictures of exercises or example tables of the program for you to supposedly print out or copy to a spreadsheet.
Normally this kind of fluff would frustrate you. You have been training for long enough to know that you need to eat right, sleep well, and train hard. But you were hoping this would have some guides on the SECRETS that other people don’t know. Seeing how short it is makes you realize those secrets probably aren’t in this book. But you continue on. Less content means you can finish it easy and get to creating that Goku physique ASAP.
You start following the program for the next few months. You watch more of the creator’s videos and you still enjoy them. The more you follow them the more they become an inspiration to you. The more you start to believe in the power of their words and their plan.
Your physique improves and while you have seen some of these changes before you never seem to stick to programs as easily as this one. You hate the workouts sometimes but you just keep thinking about how badass this program is and that keeps you pushing for more.
Beyond the marketing
Okay so let’s stop the made up story there for a second. Class do you see what the issue is? If your thought is “Yeah this made up person got in shape but only because he fell for the BS marketing of the influencer! If he had followed scientifically proven routines he would’ve gotten to the same place. Now he’s wasted $10 for something he could’ve done himself for free.”
Nope. You lost the plot. You’re not wrong you’re just… misunderstanding the point. The trainee couldn’t have done it themself. Maybe in theory but not in reality. See in the real world most people have emotions and irrational thoughts. Without all the stories they read about the influencer and the program they would have to rely purely on willpower. But they have a million other things sapping their willpower everyday. The thing that helped to push them and reduce the need for willpower to follow the program is the narrative.
The narrative created a scenario that allowed the trainee to do what they couldn’t before. They knew about all the scientific ideas and optimizations and they tried them but they didn’t stick. But because of the story they told themselves or rather repeated to themself after hearing it from the influencer they created their own epic journey to follow.
Following the optimal path is usually boring. It’s science. It’s sterile and cold. It has no soul. Where’s the fun? “Who said things had to be fun?” Well who said they couldn’t?
Side note: it sure is easy to sound smart when you set up the arguments yourself.
The thing what takes people from good to great to elite is being able to accept the boredom. Being able to follow without caring about a story and just doing. I agree with you! But I think you can see that this is for getting to good when things are bad. We can worry about staying diligent and foregoing motivation when we get to good. But for now we just need a reason to get off the couch and go for a run because willpower just isn’t doing it.
Embrace the useful narratives
That case study is a long winded way of saying you should let your imagination run wild. Believe in things and don’t always worry about what the science says if the thing you are believing in can get you 80% of the way to your results. I assume I don’t need to overexplain this like I normally do. Use your best judgement. Don’t get into a strangers van because they have good candy, but if someone says that doing 100 pushups everyday for a month was what built their chest then maybe just try it.
I think going all in on narrative and getting lost in those ideas can remove a ton of need for willpower. This is great for us because willpower is not infinite and should not be treated as such.
Create your own narratives. Build your story and brand and live it to your fullest. If you want to be the funny nerd then remind yourself that you are as you practice telling jokes to friends.
The balance of perfection and progress
Okay reader I’ve probably started 10 different hypothetical arguments so we don’t have to go down this road. But just wanted to call that out because it seems like we are min/maxxing every part of our lives these days. Everyone loves to research for weeks on end before they make a purchase or start a routine. I think the internet has led to us over optimizing. We’ve let perfect become our best friend. For centuries people have told us that perfect is the enemy of good yet here we are forgetting that we have to get to good before we can even think about perfect. All this perfectionism and optimization leads to people burning out quicker and wondering why they are still leading what they consider to be just an “average” life.
Creating my story
Personally I always wanted to be really social. I’ve always had friends but never really got around to the part where I knew how to flip the switch with strangers. Not only that but I wanted to keep a large network of friends and acquaintances. Many just want close friends but I already had my best friends. What I was seeking was a level of socialization where I could be at a random coffee shop in town and bump into someone that I knew or worst case make a new friend with the person sitting at the table next to me. Not everyone’s dream but it was mine.
It started with my mom who ran her highschool reunions, volunteered with the PTA at my school, and worked at a financial business in my county that lead to her knowing so many people. But the odd thing was whenever I told her how amazed I was at how social and extroverted she was. She always reminded me that she wasn’t always like this. My mom tells me she was very shy in highschool and even now isn’t always very quick to talk. But once you get that lady going…
The point being I wanted to have the same transformation as her. At the time I was freshly single and so there was an added desire to be able to ask someone out in real life rather than on a dating app.
I reminded myself that I am talkative, I can create conversations, and I know how to make people laugh. These are all things that I’ve been known for in the past now it was just about telling myself that I can flip the switch. In fact I can just leave it on all the time.
As I continued writing this inner story for myself I continued practicing it. I would go to coffee shops and talk to the barista. When I was out I would have a conversation piece on hand like a Rubiks cube that people would ask me about. Then I started noticing things about others and complimenting them such as their glittery shoes. Day after day I would try to find ways to create more details that fit the theme of my story.
With more practice it became easier and easier to believe what I had told myself. While I still have work to do I can confidently say I have achieved my original goal. I see people around my city of San Diego all the time that I know. When I’m at a coffee shop I can create a conversation with the person next to me out of thin air. And if you were curious reader I was able to even secure a few different dates without even going on Hinge!
I don’t want to make it seem like narrative was all I needed to get to that point. It took a lot of failures and straight up will power. But what I will say is now that the story is writing itself instead of me making it up it seems to be able to continue without me intervening. When I’m out I just talk to people. It just happens because that’s who I am now and it’s effortless.
Tools for using narrative
Practice journaling
Journaling is one of the defacto self improvement tools and its for good reason. It is a way to explore who you are and who you want to become. In regards to the story you are creating for yourself it can:
- serve as a log of what you tried for the day
- be a place to concretely describe what you want to become/embody
- help in the synthesis of ideas for new ways to accomplish your goals
My journal always seems to start with a few simple bullets of “what things happened to me today” but sometimes leads to me writing down tons of thoughts and ideas. I don’t use all of them but the point is to let the thoughts out so that you can unblock anything left. To see written word that reminds you of what you are accomplishing and that your story is not just in your head.
Try putting a notebook or a piece of paper next to your nightstand right now. Later today when you find yourself near bed just give one minute to write something. Maybe two things. If more comes out then great. But don’t sell yourself short by telling yourself you’re not a journaler.
Change or remove negative narratives
When faced with stories that you don’t appreciate you have a few options. Two that I commonly apply are transformation and removal.
Transform
Take what you’re hearing and think about how to modify it. Maybe someone is telling you about how they failed at starting a business and now they’re convinced entrepreneurship isn’t for anyone. Instead of accepting their narrative of failure, transform it into a story of learning and growth. Each setback becomes a lesson, each mistake a stepping stone toward future success. Maybe they saw the failure of the business as the end of their story but you know that it could’ve just been the first chapter. As you work towards a successful business you will be okay with the big hurdles because you know they are not immovable walls they are simply obstacles that can be jumped over.
Remove
Sometimes a narrative is so toxic or unhelpful that it’s better to simply remove it entirely. Let’s use this article for example! Maybe reading the part about me becoming social rubbed you the wrong way. “This guy had it so easy he was already social and extroverted!” But maybe there is still some gold to be found in that story. Maybe ignore all the fluff I’m adding. Look for the useful tidbits.
The key details you can find are:
- practiced talking to baristas
- had interesting objects like Rubiks cube that people asked about
- started with little compliments or comments to strangers
Forget all the stuff about me or my mom or whatever else makes you feel like you don’t like the narrative. In fact ignore the narrative completely! As important as it is this article was also meant to show that you don’t always need to listen to them. We have stories being told to us everyday and sometimes its from people with bad intentions! Listen, recognize, and decide what you want to do with what you are being told.
This is even easier when someone is speaking. Next time you find yourself listening to a video or sitting in on a speech just try to write down or maybe text a friend only the actionable points. Don’t worry about the narrative. I think you’ll find that the points being made are solid even if the story surrounding them isn’t music to your ears.
The key is recognizing that you have control over which stories you accept and internalize. Your mind is your own private theater - you get to choose what plays there.
Ask others for their stories about you
This is probably one of my favorite tools and something that most people already do indirectly just through conversations with friends. Ask others how they see you. What do they think you’re good at and if you can handle it what they think you’re bad at. Listen intently and think deeply on their answers. Then apply the things I said earlier to what you heard.
If you like and agree
Listen deeply and gather more details. Ask questions and try to get some specific examples. These stories can become powerful fuel for your growth. Write them down and revisit them when you need motivation.
If you like but disagree
This is an opportunity for unexpected growth. This can help you realize things about yourself that you wouldn’t have found normally. Maybe take their words and run further with them. You think you aren’t a great cook but they love your cooking maybe practice cooking more. Their perspective can reveal blind spots or potential you haven’t recognized. These are the ones that feel the best because they’re unexpected!
If you dislike the narrative but agree
This is where transformation comes in. Take the truth you recognize and reframe it into a story that serves you better. Take this feedback with grace. Think of what you need to work on to start changing this story.
If you dislike the narrative and disagree
Sometimes the best response is simply to acknowledge and release. Not every story others tell about us needs to become part of our narrative. Thank them for sharing and let it go.
Wrapping up
Start paying attention to the stories you hear and think more deeply about the ones you create. Maybe practice creating a new story for yourself. Not the perfect story, just your story. Whether you want to become more social like I did, or you want to finally learn guitar. Whatever it is, don’t wait for the perfect moment or the perfect plan. Just start doing it little by little and remembering that anything can become a part of your story.
Create a simple narrative that excites you. Write down three bullet points of what that story looks like. Then take one small action that fits that narrative today. Talk to one barista, practice for five minutes, or write one sentence in your journal.
And when you’re out there listening to others stories think about how you can incorporate, transform, or remove them from your world in ways that work for you. Listen more intently when something resonates. Remove the extra crap when reading something that doesn’t.
The stories we tell ourselves are powerful tools for change. They don’t have to be perfect they just have to be powerful enough to get us moving. And sometimes, the most compelling stories are the ones we’re still writing.
Start small, start imperfect, but most importantly - start.